Amazon, Wall Street Journal & Washington Post Best-selling Author

R R Haywood

Written by R R Haywood, March 28th, 2021

Posted in Blog | Currently 31 Comments

Dearest Flora….

Sooooo,

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. The lockdown sucks. I’m bored and stuck at home. I bought the flat upstairs from me so I could knock through and turn it back into one house, then I remembered I live on the Isle of Wight where the utility services and tradespeople play that famous traditional game of Not Turning Up. Haha! Honestly. It’s so much fun. Or they play that other game of Turning Up But Never Sending The Quote. Oh man! That’s a hoot. Will they? Won’t they? Aw you guys. You’ve got me in stitches here. Great times.

However, in a wild attempt at staying busy, I am working hard away at my desk. Both on new material, and on The Undead 25. I got loads done on 25 last week and will do more when I can.
I also wrote a whole new story last year DURING THAT OTHER FUN LOCKDOWN, which my super agent and I are currently trying to flog to publishers.

Anywho. The point is lockdown sucks and things are crap and boring and everyone is snappy and grouchy, and then some mofo changed the clocks so now we’re all out of sync by an hour. And then this morning – I get the following message from someone called Flora. (Love that name by the way. I’m totally going to have a character called Flora somewhere soon)

Now – I don’t ever publish messages sent to me. But I’m grumpy as shit, so I’ll pop it on below with my reply to her. Just in case it helps anyone else with burning questions…Her message is included in its full state too. There’s not even a Dearest Haywood The Author intro. I know. It makes me sad too. Go blow a goat.

Flora’s message:

 

I just finished the Extinct series. The 3rd book proved to be a disappointment and left me with tons of questions.
1) are Miri and Mother related(sisters),
2) why no additional info about Miri’s son or background,
3) why the care taken with microbes at the Bunker not observed anywhere else,
4) what’s up with Kate (is she the next villain),
5) what about the 3 (Alpha, Bravo & Kate) left in 1945 Berlin,
6) will there be a fourth book.
I have more questions but I’ll lead with these.

And here’s my reply:

Dearest Flora,

I just finished reading your email which proved to be a disappointment and left me with an itchy foot. I guess I can only apologise that I wrote a book that wasn’t to your exact specifications. Perhaps, in the future, and to avoid such calamities as your sufferance of disappointment, you could furnish all of the writers in the world with your exact literary requirements. Then we’d all know. You could list them like you did you with your questions. Or maybe use bullet points, or you know,  you could create a telepathic link so that we can all just know. Then we’d all be like “Ah yeah! We’ve been doing it wrong all this time. Flora wants it this way. Gotcha!”

But anywho. To answer your questions:

  • Miri is the mother to Mother, but Mother is also the mother to Miri as well as to herself. In fact, Mother is mother to Mother and Miri. I hope that helps.
  • Miri’s son, or, as we now know, Mother’s son, that being the mother to the son of Miri the mother the Mother, actually decided to live in a Yurt in the motherland of Mongolia, like totally off the grid and as far away from the internet as possible to avoid being harassed with questions about Mother’s mother being mothered by Miri.
  • I hoped you are braced for this…because….Mother is also the mother of the microbes! I know right. What a twist. Mother is mothering the molecular microbes, but she went too far and became a smothering mother so they also ran away to live in Yurts in Microbolia.
  • I’m so glad you asked after Kate. She’s fine thanks. It’s her laundry and chores day today. She says hi though and what’s up! She’s undecided on the villain / hero career path right now. The global pandemic has slowed the need up for evil geniuses. She’s on furlough anyway, and you know, just happy to potter along. She’s writing a book actually (just like the other 7 billion people on lockdown). How To Decorate Your Yurt by Kate. She said it helps with not quite knowing if her Mother is her mother or if Miri is the mother to Mother which then brings in a whole new Grandmother situation.
  • Alpha and Bravo (you already know Kate is having a laundry day) are in 1945 trying to round up those pesky Microbes. The ones that didn’t want to set up in Yurts in Microbolia. The other ones wanted to join in with the evil Axis powers to create a Microutopia where Microbes become the ruling elite all led by the mysterious Mother, who is the mother to Miri. I’ll tell them you asked after them when they pop back. That’s if they ever pop back.
  • There is a fourth book? Haven’t you read it? It’s called……

 

And finally. I am sure you do have more questions. But it’s my turn now. You don’t get to ask all the questions and not give someone else a turn. That’s so unfair.

My question is this:

Which Beth did Rick keep at home in Rick and Morty? Honestly, I’ve watched it like dozens of times and I can’t figure it out. There’s that bit where Rick gets drunk and switches them around so even he doesn’t know. But he’s Rick! He’ll know, won’t he?

Love hugs and kisses,

The Microbes.

 

Whatever. Happy Sunday.

Go blow a goat.

Much love

RR Haywood

31 thoughts on “Dearest Flora….

    1. I can’t wait to see what fate befalls Flora (the character)
      Awesome reply boss
      Please post an update on the Beth situation if all-knowing-flora has the answers.
      From me (and I’m sure from all your true fans) much love, you are appreciated.

      1. Any consolation, contractors do the same in the U.S…and everyone has critics. But your pack outweighs the critics by miles…
        You ROCK!

      2. Oh my days after the last week I’ve had with crazy double shifts at work that has made the world so much better. Much love and thanks for keeping me going over the last year Lynds xxx

    2. Oh my god! That reply! Best ever! I’ve just reread the series for the god knows how many time and it’s awesome I love it! Where’s the suspense and mystery if we know all that info?!? If we knew all the answers we wouldn’t be reading it Flora! Anyway did someone say more RR Haywood books?!?! yay! 🙂

  1. Oh RR, I love grumpy you, I think we should see more of grumpy you!

    Keep your chin up and tits out, and know the complete joy you give to so many.

    And if you never wrote again (although I’d be desperately sad), you have given the world a wonderful collection of the most increadable stories, full of questions for us to expand our minds and imaginations.

    Big love always.

    1. Dearest Haywood,
      I just have one request…
      Don’t ever change, like ever! That has got to be the best response I have read in my entire life. You’re amazing, your books are amazing and the pack wouldn’t have you any other way.
      Fuck em, we’ll win!

  2. I would just like to echo Melissa’s words – absolutely! I really really enjoy your work and The four Worlds of Bertie Cavendish, is a tour de force. Please keep that pencil of yours nice and sharp and ready to write more wonderful stuff whenever the mood takes you…xxx

  3. I think “go blow a goat” is my next new favourite insult for twats. I can’t quite bring myself to say “fist me” only because quite simply… it sounds painful. That and I wouldn’t want it to sound like an invitation. But anyway thanks for the new insult I can use. Best. Day. Ever.

    Love the reply

  4. Grand Master Haywood.

    Oh Lordy lord! People are twats sometime. And sometimes you need (really need) to respond! And what a response! Love it! Maybe a book with all your responses to those Microbes needing to interrogate genius. And I look forward to a Flora character being horribly dispatched in up coming books! Running gag anyone?

    Anyho we love you, I for one am more than happy to hear about another Undead and a new mysterious book hopefully winging it’s way to us worshipping at the Haywood altar.

    Anyway I’m sure you’ve got loads of writing to do and I’ve got 2 thumbs that need twiddling!

    PS: Do you mind if I use ‘go blow a goat’ sometime? Got a few people that it could really be useful for! J

  5. Dearest Haywood the Author
    Your books are getting me through this covid shit wormhole we have all fallen down. For example, I spent Christmas Day in the back of a Saxon with Mr Howie and Dave. Best. Christmas. Ever.
    Thank you forever.

  6. Just Awsome!

    I know a guy who will be happy to sort out your upstairs problem, however he has a bit of a water phobia, but not to worry as a blindfold and Tramadol usually do the trick, failing that a bottle of JD always works.
    I will forward your details.

    Looking forward to meeting Flora and her sister Fauna in your forthcoming escapades.
    TTFN 🙂

    1. My good lord I love grumpy you. That was the funniest reply. Your talent has no bonds. I also can’t wait to read about flora in one of your books it will now be such an inside joke between all your fans. Feel free to publish anytime you feel like to rant it might help you and it would certainly entertain me

  7. Even grumpy you is a brilliant writer. Thank for the pick me up.
    P.S. As far as I’m concerned, Flora can go F. Herself.

    1. Mr Haywood,
      I am formally lodging a complaint on behalf of Blown Goats™️.

      You can expect a strongly worded letter from our solicitor.

      Good day to you, Sir.

      William G Gruff
      Acting Deputy Media Manager
      BLOWN GOATS CONTINENCE AIDS™️

  8. I’m envisioning Flora to be on the autism spectrum, much like our beloved Dave — someone who genuinely means well, but has zero sensitivity to social situations. Your glorious reply will be a doozy of a puzzle for that sort of Flora.

  9. To be fair, Flora has obviously read and paid enough attention to engage with the story and have questions which isn’ta bad thing. Her email would be fine if she’d started off with a ‘Dear Richard…..’ something something.

  10. Hello Mr Haywood,

    I like goats, prefer horses and rabbits if I’m truthful but goats are fun. I can’t read this blog though as only found you when I tripped over The Undead accidentally (so I have no idea what you’re talking about). Now having lost 2 weeks of my life to read The Undead 1-24, ignoring everyone (including the ex’s solicitors who are handling his side of my divorce), pretending the family belong to someone else who should feed them, shouting HI! and lobbing carrots at the horses as I drive past, getting a hoofy thumbs up in return from one but realising the other one only has 3 legs so dragging him into the stable, slapping a poultice on while trying to avoid being savaged by the little shit…. I am absolutely over the bloody moon that there will be book 25. Fuck the rest of it I’m made up here.

  11. More to the point where is Evil Morty?!

    If you could message Flora back and seek some clarity on this it would be hugely appreciated.

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