Amazon, Wall Street Journal & Washington Post Best-selling Author

R R Haywood

Written by R R Haywood, December 22nd, 2019

Posted in Blog | Currently 17 Comments

An Undead themed Christmas ditty….

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. But the silence was shattered when the door was battered. ‘Quick lads,’ Howie did cry. ‘Barr the doors and hold the line. We’ll get through the night and be just fine.’
*
Through the house they poured to avoid the horde. Barring the windows and barring the doors. Grabbing furniture, beds, tables and drawers with Reginald in a fizz. ‘Oh my. We are in a tizz. Running about all in a whiz but fear not for this tight spot. We’ll be free in a jot. We’re not in rout. We’ve still got some clout. Dave will scout and find the way out.’
*
‘Dave. What say you?’ Paula did ask. ‘Do you have a plan to take or shall we cast off the quake and stop for a break and eat some cake to ease the great ache. My legs are weary, and my mind is bleary and if this keeps up, I might even get teary. So come on, dearie let’s hear your theory.’
*
‘I vote we stop,’ Blowers exclaimed. ‘All night we can chop but my team are in a strop and ready to flop. I say we drop before we go pop and turn into zombie slop.’
*
‘Blowers wants to rest,’ Cookey did say. ‘He’s getting silly cos the dog ate his willy. He’s not his best when he can’t rub oil on his chest. We need to be quick and come up with a trick to find him another dick.’
*
‘Oh no!’ Marcy cried out. ‘I am in great woe from this terrible show. I think we lost one in the snow. I know I know! What a dreadful blow. I am in a fuss and I fear I may cuss because Clarence isn’t with us.’
*
A great thump made them jump and trump. A deep clump and bump from a big chump. ‘I think the zombies are inside,’ Howie cried. ‘I must confess our place to hide on this yuletide has come untied, but damn it we tried.’
*
‘No no,’ came a muffled yell. ‘Quell the alarm bell. I’m actually quite well and will be out in a spell. The door was shut and I was stuck in a rut so I took a shortcut but was caught by my gut. I thought I was skinny and would easily shimmy but I’m stuck in the chimney.’
*
‘What the fuck!’ Howie did say. ‘We’re all out of luck. Clarence is the size of a truck and now stuck like a schmuck. What were you thinking? You can’t go shrinking and sinking with your big chest down a breast! You must be possessed at making us distressed at you being compressed.’
*
Clarence tried to wriggle and jiggle as they all did giggle. His feet dangling down like a giant clown messing around. ‘Stop mocking and get me rocking to stop this blocking. I’m in a tight spot and stuck like a pot and don’t light a fire or I’ll get very hot.’
*
They got a stick and gave him a kick, thinking he’d be out in a tick. They huffed and puffed but Clarence was stuffed. From his toes to his nose he was froze. He plead to be freed but his great size did impede.
*
‘I fear we will need his reindeer to pull and steer to get him free of here,’ Howie cried out. ‘We’ll need some lube down that tube to pop him out like an ice cube.’
*
It was all very fraught, so some lube was sought and given to Dave to shred the undead and on their heads he did tread. Climbing spry and high into the sky without the blink of an eye. To the chimney he went as Clarence did vent while looking spent.
*
The lube was poured in. On Clarence’s chin while Dave gave a rare grin. ‘I think you’ll see you’ll soon be free but next time be like me who hates the sea. Use a door. It’s what they’re for because you’re the size of Thor and now getting sore, did you want some more?’
*
Dave poured it down on Clarence’s frown with barely a glance at the horde in the town. A slip and a drip. He poured the lot and out of the chimney Clarence was shot like a bar of soap given a grope down a big slope.
*
‘I’m free!’ the big man cried out all full of glee. ‘That was a great fate and I shall lose some weight and be nimble and svelte and pull in my belt. Stop feeding me pies you crazy guys. Have you seen my size? That isn’t very wise.’
*
‘But I love your bulk,’ Paula did cry. ‘You’re like my hulk, if you get skinny, I think I will sulk.’
*
‘Then big I shall stay,’ Clarence did bray. ‘It is my way I should say. Now hark I do bark and give me a spark. The chimney is swept by me being inept. A fire we should light to banish the night.’
*
‘Clarence is right,’ Howie announced with all of his might. ‘And I could do with a bite after this terrible plight. It is the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. Dave is outside having some fun with his knife and a gun and when he is won more running will be done. But for now, we must rest while on our quest lest we get stressed. To you all I say grab a mince pie and with a tear in our eye say goodbye to the friends we have lost, but more we have found and to you I am bound and all of us are wound sound and round to each other like sister and brother one after another. Ignore that great din because we won’t let them in to join our kin and if they do break in then you know what I say…Fuck ‘em we’ll win!

17 thoughts on “An Undead themed Christmas ditty….

  1. so can not get enough of these characters even a yuletide ditty get me in the mood for reading the undead series yet again until the next installment is out.

  2. I LOVE this! I could hear each of them saying these lines and laughing their butts off as they did. I can’t get enough of this team I hope you keep writing them for years.

  3. Great fun and an unexpected treat!
    I’m glad you found time and think it’s really neat
    Merry Christmas to my extended family!

  4. Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house the terrifying fear of impeachment made Trump silent as a mouse,

    While in old London Boris had not a care, knowing his beloved brexit would soon be all there,

    Whilst the plebes who could afford a bed were all snuggled in their beds, escapist stories of zombies danced in their heads.

    Ha.

    That’s all my pea brain could do for now.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

    Thanks for filling my head with stories this year.

  5. I have never read anything that involves these characters and not enjoyed it and this does not break that run you are a Fantastic writer and anything to do with the undead I love

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